Who’s Your Soccer Daddy?

New Yuck Times

2006-03-13T03:50:00.000-08:00

I was pleasantly surprised to see the following editorial in the NY Times last week:

In Oslo, the concession dishes that Israel cooked up were the standard by which all other peace processes should be judged. That made the Palestinian response Israel encountered in the disputed territories particularly hard to stomach.

Instead of cessation of Jew-hatred or genuine concessions, Israel, 58, had to pick at lukewarm Palestinian words and empty ceremonies dampened with bloody bombings. Boiling tensions erupted, and shredded hopes ensued with each packet of low expectations from French and other appeasing diplomats. Palestinian condemnations of violence was mere window-dressing which hardly fulfilled their obligations for cutting out the terrorism and dismay. Israel should have long ago said that the fruit of this violence is to rightfully to cut off electricity and running water from the Palestinians and squeeze them dry.

Of course, this isn’t what the NYT really wrote. With their typical hypocrisy and cowardice, they directed their ire once again not at the evils of Palestinian terrorism but at a straw-man issue: hospital food. As usual, these ivory tower liberals shot for the easy target with self-congratulatory smugness.

It’s no coincidence that the author of this reprehensible piece is given as “Kim Severson”. This is nothing but a transparent pseudonym for my infamous antagonist, Tom Friedman. Note how the first and last names are the same length, end with the same letters, have the same number of vowels/consonants, etc. (typical Friedman lack of creativity!).

Well Tom – or “Kim” if that’s what you’re now calling yourself – you can run, but you can’t hide! You can keep writing these cream-puff (so to speak) pieces and feeling ethically satiated. Yet just see how with just a few simple tweaks to your “bold” “editorial”, you could have taken the courageous moral high road:

In ~~her family~~ Oslo, the ~~Filipino~~ concession dishes that ~~Felipa Tobias~~ Israel cooked up were the standard by which all other Peace processes should be ~~were~~ judged. That made the Palestinian response Israel ~~food she~~ encountered in at the disputed territories ~~Elmhurst Hospital Center~~ ~~in Queens~~ particularly hard to stomach.

Instead of cessation of Jew-hatred~~hicken~~ ~~adobo~~ or genuine concessions, Israel ~~tamarind soup~~, ~~Mrs. Tobias~~, 581, had to picked at a lukewarm Palestinian words ~~chicken breast~~ and empty ceremonies ~~rice pilaf~~ dampened with blood~~stick~~y bombing~~rown~~ s~~auce~~. Boil~~ed carrot sticks~~ ing tensions and shredded hopes ensued ~~iceberg lettuce~~ with each packet of low~~-calorie~~ expectations from French and other appeasing diplomats. Palestinian condemnations of violence were mere window-dressing which hardly fulfilled their obligations for cutting out the terrorism and dismay. ~~She~~ Israel should have long ago said ~~her~~ that the fruit ~~cocktail tasted as if~~ ~~someone had rinsed it in~~ of this violence is to rightfully cut off electricity and running water to the Palestinians and squeezed them it dry.

Read the rest of this nauseating piece here, if you can stomach it.

The Wrath of Arafat

2006-03-13T03:40:00.000-08:00

Though Yasser (“Abu Noonian”) Arafat has been gone for a year now, Israel can’t afford to forget his obsessive hatred towards the enterprising state of Israel, and towards his long-time foe Ariel (“Teveria”) Sharon in particular. It is well-known that the soothing words which Arafat mouthed for Western ears were a cover for his true beliefs, expressed in Arabic for his own people’s consumption. Regrettably, I never took Arabic in college, since Elie-Expo and I were far too busy reading comic books and watching Star Trek reruns. But fortunately, courtesy of IMDB, the Israel Media Data Base (I think that’s what it stands for anyway), here are actual translated quotes from this evil man:

On the “Peace Process”:

“I've done far worse than kill you, Arik. I've hurt you. And I wish to go on hurting you. I shall leave you as you left me, as you left my brave people: marooned for all eternity in the refugee camps, buried alive. Buried alive…

“Ah Arik, my old friend. Do you know the Arab proverb that tells us revenge is a dish that is best served cold? It is very cold in Oslo!”

“Arik tasks me! He tasks me and I shall have him! I'll chase him 'round the Plantations of Wye and 'round the Camps of David and down Oslo’s ski slopes before I give him up!”

On Palestinian and Jewish History:

“My people have sworn to live and die at the Koran’s command two hundred years before there were any Jews in Palestine at all!”

“You mean… they never told you how 'Prime Minister' Arik sent seventy million of us into exile from our homes in Palestine into barren refugee camps, with only UNRWA aid to sustain us?”

On Victimhood:

“You are in a position to demand nothing. I, on the other hand, am in a position to grant… nothing. So give me some money already.”

Final Words:

“From 72 virgins arms, I stab at thee. For hate’s sake, I spit my last breath at thee.”

Hakol Havel

2006-03-13T03:30:00.000-08:00

With the great popularity and success of Haveil Havalim, the weekly Jewish/Israeli Blog carnival which I started last year, I am pleased to announce that I’ll be launching a followup carnival, appropriately entitled Hakol Havel [all is vanity]. This will be similar to the current Haveil Havalim in that it will consist of select posts garnered from the J-blogosphere, but with the following two minor differences:

Any post from a J-Blog will qualify, not only ones with specific Jewish or Israeli content

Rather than a single host and site each week, Hakol Havel will be hosted in a “distributed” manner, with each individual participant self-selecting and self-hosting their own weekly contributions

I know some may say that launching yet another J-Blog carnival will be an onerous burden on me, but I truly think you all deserve the effort that it will involve! And I take my inspiration from that great sage, Rav Shloimy (Steven) Wright:

I have a hobby...I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it...

Look for Hakol Havel next week at a blogosphere near you! And a Happy Purim to all!

First Post

2006-03-11T23:05:00.000-08:00

Cause without a first post, you never get to the goal post.